strangeness & charm.

News.

Mon, 20 May 2013 14:45:51 -0400

I came to school today to find out that my friend got charged with drug possession this weekend. His friends were smoking and he wasn’t, and he tried to hide the weed for them, and he got charged and his friends just got to walk away. That’s not fair. Yes, he was being stupid, but it’s still just not right. I’m so disappointed.

She always has to one-up me.

Mon, 20 May 2013 14:43:26 -0400

“I got a 594 on my English writing SOL!”

“Oh, cool. I got a 600.”

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you a million times over. You always have to be better than me and I hate it. I was in such a good mood and my teacher seemed really proud of me when she showed me my score and told me I did a good job and I had one of the highest scores in the class, but of course, you had to have the best. I’m sick of this.

“That math test was so hard!”

“You’re lying. It was sooooo easy.”

“I think I’m going to fail math this year.”

“No you won’t! Only stupid people fail.”

Goddamn.

End-of-the-week Update:

Fri, 10 May 2013 22:23:00 -0400

I totally bombed my SOL. Ugh. And my two Chemistry tests.

I have two AP review sessions tomorrow and I am SO scared for these exams.

At the last open mic at school yesterday, Isabelle and Ted asked me if I wanted to come with them to gay prom. I wanted to say yes so badly, but I had to tell them I was busy. But now I’m regretting it so much, because I really want to go. But I really should be studying instead… all it would be is a few hours, an old formal dress, and some new friends, right?

I wish I could go so much.

Conversations.

Thu, 09 May 2013 23:17:06 -0400

We were talking about our favorite writers and poets, and then he said this:

“Man, Bukowski’s legit!”

… M A R R Y M E .

My current thought process:

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:26:39 -0400

…which one of you little bastards was the one who either talked to him or showed him what I wrote about him?

I’m bound to find out eventually.

(thank you so much)

What is up with our birthdays?

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:00:11 -0400

We saw that concert last year, the last time we talked was my birthday, and now this is happening on yours?

What is the odd significance?

(I am still trying to think and I cannot bring myself to reply to his message oh my god I am so nervous I will probably say something stupid and screw this all up)

(why am I liveblogging my emotions?)

8 Minutes Left of Your Birthday to go, and Everything Has Changed Instantaneously.

Mon, 06 May 2013 23:56:09 -0400

He apologized. The most sincere and kind apology I’ve ever read from anyone. I don’t know why he did though, because it’s certainly not his fault… I’ve just been a crybaby and a bitch and completely irrational and it’s definitely all been my fault. But I’ve been here sobbing my eyes out at the kitchen counter for the past few minutes, just staring at what he’s said.

What can I ever say back to him? I have absolutely no idea what to do now.

(I’m blogging as I think just to figure things out, don’t ask me why. It just works.)

Happy Birthday...

Mon, 06 May 2013 18:42:21 -0400

It’s been exactly a year since you took me to see that concert. It’s been a year since our last date. It’s been a year since things began to turn bad and go downhill.

God fucking damn it, I feel awful. And it’s all my fault.

It feels so good to be a normal teenager for once.

Fri, 03 May 2013 23:54:54 -0400

My friend picked me up and drove me to meet another friend for dinner and we shared a meal and talked about school and boys and life. Then we drove (a bit illegally, shh) to see our friends perform in a play, which happened to be Monty Python’s Spam-a-lot, and laughed and laughed until we couldn’t breathe. Then at the finale, we ran up on stage and hugged everyone and ran around the unfamiliar school hallways and ran through the parking lot and drove to her boyfriend’s house. We hid upstairs in his room with Scott and attacked him with swords from the play when he arrived. We hung out and ate food and played video games and teased eachother and even held people down so we could destroy their social media profiles, then went outside under the wide, twinkling sky and ran through the grass and said goodbye before driving home. We listened to music and tensed up a bit each time we passed by cops due to the late hour we were driving at. But when I was safely back home, I crept through the back door and silently tiptoed to my room, trying not to wake my sleeping family.

Tonight was lovely and I am so happy to have the friends that I have, whether we go to school together or not. I’m just so fortunate to know these amazing people.

I wasn't even aware...

Fri, 03 May 2013 16:42:18 -0400

I just found out today that one of my friends is in rehab. I’m hoping she’ll get better, but I doubt it. And that’s unfortunate and it scares me. She’s already in so deep and I don’t know if she’ll get better. She doesn’t listen to anyone. But I miss her.

If there’s anything that bothers me, it’s how people assume that someone in rehab or addicted to drugs or alcohol must be a bad person. My friend is a wonderful person, she just fell into the wrong crowd, and I can’t blame her for that at all. There weren’t a lot of options for friends in sixth grade at our school, and once you’re in with that group, you can’t really get out. But she’s funny and caring and kind and creative and brilliant and I love her and miss her.

I can’t wait for her to come back home so I can give her a massive hug.

My favorite person:

Fri, 03 May 2013 16:22:34 -0400

I love my French teacher so much. She’s actually the most amazing person in the whole world. She’s intelligent and funny and kind and caring and generous and sympathetic and thoughtful and just overall wonderful. So many other people make me feel bad about myself, but I never feel like that when she’s around. She always does whatever she can to boost my confidence and just make me feel happy. In just one review session for AP exams today, she made me feel so much better and less stressed and more confident and gave me a hug and told me that me being able to stay with her another year to take French 6 would make her happy for the entire weekend. I’ve never admired or loved a person this much before, I don’t think. I’d give anything to be as super awesome and cool as this lady. She’s up there with Florence Welch, man. I would say that I wish there were more people like her, but then again, just the rare experience of knowing someone like her is what makes her special.

I’m so freaking pumped for another year of studying French. Nothing could make me happier.

I see things differently; I think differently.

Thu, 02 May 2013 15:52:41 -0400

Here’s proof:

We are starting our unit on A Midsummer Night’s Dream in English, and one of the major themes is dreams and illusions, so we were looking at optical illusions. And whenever an image came up where people would see one image and then another, but some people would see the other image first, I didn’t even see either first. I saw an image that was completely different from everyone else. My teacher was talking about a little bit of the psychology behind people seeing the second image first, so that left me wondering, what does it mean if I don’t see either, but something else instead? I’m curious.

Religion.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 15:39:47 -0400

“It wasn’t so much that I was taught these things as I just understood from, literally, feeling my soul. For me, religious ideas began to make sense. I started to look at the overlapping, continuous beliefs and teachings that spanned through all of the religions, not just the one I was raised in. I began to see how my faith taught me to personify a lot of ideas so that they were more easily accessible and understandable for me. I also saw that that method didn’t resonate with me as much as another could.”

Oh my gosh. Perfectly explained. I wish I could find words to describe things like this on my own.

(prayer)

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 23:08:39 -0400

सर्वेभवन्तुसुखिन:
सर्वेसन्तुनिरामया:।
सर्वेभद्राणिपश्यन्तु।
माकश्चित्दु:खभागभवेत्।।

"That's gay."

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:03:53 -0400

“I don’t see what the problem is anymore, the word has a whole new usage and definition, it’s not even offensive. It’s just to call things stupid.”

Excuse me, are you missing the entire point here? I think so.

(you’re stupid)

Mental breakdowns.

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 14:31:39 -0400

*looks up all symptoms/signs of a nervous or mental breakdown*

OH MY GOD

I’VE BEEN EXPERIENCING ALL OF THESE FOR THE LONGEST FUCKING TIME

AND EVERYONE’S LIKE, OH, YOU’RE FINE, YOU JUST NEED TO MANAGE YOUR TIME BETTER

effing NO

NO ONE HAS EVER TAKEN ME TO GET HELP

I’VE SCREAMED ON THE FLOOR AND RIPPED MY HAIR OUT AND ASKED MY MOM TO KILL ME REPEATEDLY

AND NO ONE DID A FUCKING THING

NO ONE THOUGHT THERE WAS A PROBLEM WHEN I RAN MYSELF REPEATEDLY INTO DOORS DOWN THE HALLWAY FOR HOURS ON END

oh my god i hate people i hate everything i hate school i hate TALKING to people oh my god leave me alone

(Sunday is no fun)

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 14:22:38 -0400

My dad came and asked Blair and I if we wanted to go out and get cell phones. He said we’d have to get a smartphone, which would require what I had been playing + a $30 data plan. I told him I didn’t have the money for that, especially since I’m saving up for fourth estate. He got really mad at me.

I’m the only teenager that has to go through this, my god.

I sincerely hope that I go out and get lost and he has no way of finding me.

There are also NO jobs in the area open now. I can’t get money. I’m trying to send letters out to my neighbors looking for work, but my social anxiety is getting the best of me.

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to go out with friends, I don’t want a job, I just want to stay at home and sleep and never wake up.

The weekend is finally here.

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 20:48:00 -0400

My whole body aches and aches and aches. It’s hard to walk on my legs and I feel so weak. Every time I get up I lose my balance and I can’t support my own head and I fall over and everything starts going black. I’m just so tired and I want to go to bed.

My debate was alright. It wasn’t great, but I did my constructive in perfect timing and my cross examination was okay, but my rebuttal was embarrassingly awful.

I got a 2 out of 12 on my math quiz. I don’t think I’m going to pass Algebra 2 this year. That means I might get kicked out of Leadership. Shit…

Iria & I went to our french teacher’s room during lunch and just talked to her. It was really nice. She’s such a good friend to have.

I’m running in Color Me Rad tomorrow and I’m so excited! I hope I get lots of good photos.

....................................

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:01:12 -0400

this debate ACTUALLY makes me want to kill myself okay

You're not cute.

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:10:33 -0400

You are so unbelievably stupid. You do it to be cute too, but it’s not. You get mad at me when I say something, but just try THINKING a little, please? I honestly don’t want to be associated with someone who plays dumb.